Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
