the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
