Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
