Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
