We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
