ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
