Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
