i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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