im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
You can't special order awesome
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
