Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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