Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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