Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
