i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
