Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
