Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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