Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
