I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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