Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
