in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
