When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
