I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
