I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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