Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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