good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
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