I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
