you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
