oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
