Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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