You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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