I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
