Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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