Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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