She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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