Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
