just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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