he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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