So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
