I looked at my own cervix.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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