he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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