I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
