And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
