this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
