The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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