She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
