Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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