I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Hippo gnu deer
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
