My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
