I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
