Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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