i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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