Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
