My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
