There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
