then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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