Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
