I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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