WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
