Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
