Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
