I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
